If you have a friend or family member undergoing in vitro fertilization (IVF) to conceive, you likely want to show your support. More than 2% of babies born in the U.S. are conceived through IVF and it’s a procedure that’s both physically and emotionally taxing. But what should you say that’s both encouraging and also empathetic to the struggle this person may be experiencing?
Many What to Expect Community moms share that the support they get from their village can sometimes feel out of touch with what they are actually going through.
“I found that even though people usually have the best intentions, they don't always know the right thing to say, and even when we were trying toconceive naturally the few friends who knew and gave ‘advice’ inadvertently hurt my feelings,” one WTE Community mom says.
There are many reasons why families may be going through IVF, including unexplained infertility, medical conditions, their age, genetic abnormalities, or hereditary conditions. Most people who are going through IVF have been told it's potentially the only way they can conceive a healthy baby.
With all this in mind, these are the phrases WTE Community members hear often while going through the IVF process, why they could be hurtful and what to say and do instead.
Key Takeaways
1. “Just relax.”
“I think a big one for me was, ‘Just relax, and it will happen.’ I know people meant well, but IVF isn’t something you can just ‘relax’ your way through. There’s so much involved — meds, appointments, waiting, hope, fear — and hearing that just made me feel like I was doing something wrong by being stressed.” — MelissaPerr8a
“‘Just take a vacation — it’ll happen when you’re less stressed!’ (I mean… anegg and sperm still need to meet to get pregnant and we have medical conditions. So a vacation isn’t a cure).” — ninap38
“I had a cousin tell me to relax and let my body do what it's supposed to do...My body doesn't ‘do what it's supposed to do,’ apparently, and I felt like less of a woman because of these comments.” — TickTockTi
“‘At least you have options!’ Yes, we do, but they’re painful, expensive, and often extremely hard to wrap your head around both mentally and physically.” —mmoore2486
2. “You’re having fertility problems because…”
“‘You aren’t trying hard enough.’ After explaining we are unable to do any more rounds (due to health reasons) so we had one more frozen embryo left with a 30% chance of success.” — Eibhline
“I had a (pregnant) coworker who told me directly that IVF won’t ever be successful for me because I ‘listen to negative music’ and I ‘drink way too much caffeine’... and I ‘don't have the best diet’.” — PricklyPanda
3. “Why don’t you adopt?”
"I’m not against adopting and would love toadopt one day but saying that isn’t helping me when I had three miscarriages and I am so desperate to carry one of my own. Plus, I want to experience labor and pregnancy for myself.” — JKeyy
“As a mom who struggled, I’d say to avoid the sayings, It will happen one day, don’t worry,' ‘You will have yours soon’ and ‘Have you thought about adoption?'. In my case, I never wanted to hear what people thought of as ‘solutions’ and if I opened up to them I just wanted them to listen…" — FirstTimeMom10000
4. “You’re still young!”
“'You're young, you've got loads of time.' Having to go through IVF when you are young makes you feel even more sorry for yourself. You've potentially got years and years of IVF torture ahead before being advised to give up. Plus, they were overly cautious with my meds on my first cycle because I was young and that was a complete failure as a result.” — gettingthere
5. “Are you pregnant yet?”
“‘Are you pregnant yet,’ like it's a guarantee. I've been doing IVF for two years and have had seven transfers. Two of them were ‘successful’ but ended in the second trimester. When we announced our first IVF pregnancy, my brother in law said ‘so you can stop being sad sacks now?’.... We went on to lose that pregnancy at 20 weeks, followed by losing my next transfer at 14. Needless to say, no, we haven't stopped being sad sacks yet…” — TAus89
6. “Congratulations!”
"'CONGRATULATIONS!' Like, what? IVF is around 60% successful if everything goes RIGHT. And often times most people need multiple rounds. I understand that everyone who said that had never gone through IVF before, but where does this misconception that it's always successful come from?” — vocable
“We purposefully didn't tell many people what we were doing as we did IVF as it was just too emotional to talk about... but the worst reaction I had from a family member was ‘that's AWESOME!!’ when we informed them of our IVF pursuit. The comment was trying to be supportive, but it was the opposite of how we were feeling. We already had two failed egg retrievals and were in the middle of another round of shots, hoping for a better outcome. Yes, it is awesome that the technology exists, and yes, we were excited to hopefully grow a family, but the process was definitely NOT AWESOME. Positivity is not always welcome…” — shells732
“We finally made the decision to open up to a family member about IVF and were met with ‘that’s so exciting!!!’ It felt so dismissive of all the pain we’ve experienced to even get to this point. It’s wonderful that this technology exists, but this was not the path we would have chosen for ourselves and sometimes it’s better to just meet those going through this process with, ‘I imagine it’s been tough for you, I’ll stay hopeful for you and I’m here if you need anything.’” — patiently-waiting22
“After unsuccessful transfers and blighted ovums…'well, at least you have more eggs.’Complete misunderstanding of the struggles of the process and more importantly the pain in the moment and the need to mourn what's happening right now.” —babymagicivf
7. “Are you sure this is what you want?”
“‘Kids are a lot of work, you wouldn’t want that anyways’ and ‘you’ll understand when you have kids’ or ‘when is enough. enough?’ I’ve had three losses and one BFN [big fat negative] before my current pregnancy.” — ReneeW25
“‘If you think this is hard, just wait until you’re pregnant!’ I’m sorry, have you done IVF to know how it feels? And that’s if I can even get pregnant, so let’s not rub it in.” — kb012345
“‘Are you sure you want one of these? Just you wait.’ (Pointing to their own kid. Yes, I’m sure I want one or wouldn’t be going through the roller coaster of IVF).” — ninap38
“'Well, at least if it doesn't work, you have two other kids.’ True, but I invested thousands of dollars, time and emotional and physical energy into trying for THIS child.” —alwaysx3
What IVF mommas want to hear
While everyone has the best intentions, it can be hard to know what to say to someone going through a hard fertility journey like IVF, especially if you haven't experienced it before. What moms really need during the IVF process is a shoulder to lean on — no matter what.
Be open to how they're feeling in the moment
“Ask her what she needs from you as a friend. Sometimes, a failed pregnancy will cause people to shut down. And maybe seeing or hearing how tired you are with your baby can be painful for her. Let her vent! Encourage her! But most of all, do whatever she needs.” — MnMbaby2023
“Mainly, it’s helpful to follow her lead. If she wants to talk about the process, listen, ask questions and be interested. If she doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, just be available as a neutral friend without pressing her about the process.”— mamabearOC
“Honestly just being there and validating her feelings will help. Simply agreeing with her if she ever says this sucks, because it really does.” — mjasins2
Ultimately, being there for whatever may roll your IVF warrior friend's way is the best you can give them. The reassurance that you're there for them no matter what goes a long way.
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